i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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