I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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