Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
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