everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
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