My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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