You're so nebulous sometimes
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Randomize
