Fine. I'll sleep in my office
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
im holly from the hills drunk
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
