I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
