you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
