i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
