He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Randomize
