I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Randomize
