i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
