fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
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