We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Randomize
