I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
