I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
i think my mom watched the whole time
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Randomize
