I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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