My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
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