FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
