I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
