I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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