My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
