i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
