How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
