found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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