I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
