Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize
