you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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