You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
