Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
