"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
