Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
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