apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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