My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
