Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I think I have vodka in my lungs
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
