Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
