last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Randomize
