Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
