My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
