One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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