as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Randomize
