he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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