he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
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