i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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