bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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