dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
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