sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
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