a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
