what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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