I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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