one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
